October 21, 2012

Sunday.

Toni called and we talked on the phone for a bit.  Well, she talked, I half listened.  I was already gone.  I already knew that I could not be here any more, that I was done, that I couldn't do any more.  My brain was gone, my heart was broken, and I knew that I was no longer needed.  I knew it would be the very last time I would ever hear her voice.  I remember being sad about it, but resolved to knowing that this was best for her.  She would be happier without me.  I remembering saying, "okay" a lot to what she was saying, but I completely disagreed to what it was and knew it didn't really matter.

I put the boys to bed, tucked them in, prayed for them as we did every night, and kissed their little lips.  I stayed back just a little while longer than I did most nights.  I remember being sad, but I knew that this was the best thing for them.  They would be happier without me.

I fussed at my 14 year old daughter once more, trying to get her into bed.  Her bed time was 10 pm, but it always seemed like it was 10:30 before she would be in bed.  I prayed for her and kissed her and told her good night.

I honestly do not remember what I did then.  I think I took a shower, but I don't remember actually doing it.  I know that I wrote a letter to Toni, one to my 18 year old son, one to my daughter, one to the little boys and maybe one to my family.  I don't remember what I said in any of them.  I remember sitting in my bed and looking around my bedroom.  I remember feeling some sadness.  I got up and went and kissed the boys again.  I laid down in my daughters bed with her and held her.  I cried.  I prayed for her.  I was sad for her.  She was the only one that I really worried about.  I knew that this was the best thing for her, and I felt like she would be happier without me.  But I knew that she would be the one that would suffer the most.  I walked around her bed and kissed her on the cheek and I told her how very much I loved her.

I was no longer scared.  I was no longer in pain.  I was no longer trying to find the walls of the hole I was in and reaching for something to grab onto.  I was in the dark.  With no emotions what-so-ever, I went into my bathroom and opened my medicine cabinet.  I took a whole bottle of benedryl, most of the bottle of ibuprofen, and an awful lot of Xanax.  I don't even remember the numbers any more.  I looked at the person standing there in the mirror.  I didn't even know who I was looking at.

I laid on my back in my bed.  I closed my eyes and slipped further into the dark....